You want tips on being the best writer? Want to see yourself at the top of the New York Times best seller’s list making mad cash? Want to get a little trim at cons and book signings when the spouse isn’t looking? Ey? Ey? *raises eyebrows*
Well then don’t look here, you asshole. Go check out www.terribleminds.com or www.writersdigest.com. They have good advice on how to make it work. I’m here to tell you all about what you should rather do if you want to be a bad writer, and in all genres, categories, and sub dimensions. Here are just a few to get your bad writing career started! (Don’t worry, I’m good at being bad so I’ll have more later. That’s what Twitter is for.)
1.Bad #writingtips: If you want to sound smart as a writer, make sure all your characters have names no one can remember.
2. Bad #writingtips: Polish your manuscript by printing it out on paper, and then using a tub of Turtle Wax and a shammy cloth.
3. Bad #writingtips: During sex scenes, describe sounds as vividly as possible. Especially the sucking ones.
4. Bad #writingtips: Adverbs are the most useful modifiers at your disposal. Use often as they sloppily strengthen your poorly chosen verbs.
5. Bad #writingtips: When speculating in fiction, always use a speculum.
6. Bad #writingtips: To finish your manuscript, preheat oven to 350 degrees and bake for 20-45 minutes. Garnish with whiskey.
7. Bad #writingtips: It’s okay to have sexual fantasies about your characters. Just know,they don’t really love you, they’re just using you.
8. Bad #writingtips: Novels should have no fewer than 7 points of view, one for every voice screaming in your head.
9. Bad #writingtips: Truth only gets in the way of good storytelling. For every fact you add to your narrative, create sixteen lies.
10. Bad #writingtips: Writing can only be done on Fridays from 6am to 7. All other times should be devoted to ego stroking and self destruction.
Don’t forget, beauty is fleeting, but ugly is forever. Be a bad writer, or don’t, I don’t really care. I just want to eat ice cream, say fuck it to my Vegan diet, and read scifi and fantasy novels all day while my kid plays with Legos and my wife props up against me. That’s the life.
– j. f. mauldin